When I first decided on creating this blog, I had told my dear friend Lhingboi that it would be a space to fill with incidents and reflections of my life-a memorabilia of sort. As one gets busy with trying to create an impact in one's life-world, to the significant 'other',and to try and prove that one is a favorite of fate, we tend to forget the Divine Hands that still determines the courses of our history-yesterday, today and tomorrow. The truth about life is, as I was made to realize anew today is that...everything begins and ends with Him.
Talks about PhD being a process of "partial/permanent head damage" seems to be slowly being proved true for those of us (Me, Sanji, Shruti and Lienza)who are in the final stage. My mom would continually caution me to take extra care, less I get effected mentally. It's her own way of telling me that she would still prefer me to the degree. Of course, it did not help in reducing the stress and tension I feel, but I appreciate her effort.
Today, as I was preparing to fill the 9b form, I suddenly realize that my file containing all my original documents were missing. Lately, my memory has been acting funny--lost keys, forgotten dates of events (much to the dismay of my friends...i am grateful to all my friends for not disqualifying me), lost purse etc. I search and search all over my room, every possible nook and corner but could not find it. I tried retracing my activities--when I was out with this file for the last time. I remember filling up forms and going to the bank, stationery and post-office with it that day. Perhaps, it never got back that day (I thought!)So, frantic search for the missing file begins. All the places I'd mentioned politely denied (some of them a little irritated at my accusation)to having them. I also went to the xerox centers I frequented, my sister's place and the two rooms in sabarmati hostel that i visited most regularly, viz, Sanji's and Kaya's. All the search proved futile. I kept praying in my heart, still hopeful it would be there some place.I even asked our hostel cook who bought my old newspapers.
Becoming more pessimistic by now, I started thinking of the grim possibilities of it being lost forever. I shudder at the though of it.I could even hear my mother scolding me for my carelessness. The alternative was as distressing. I had to apply for a duplicate copy in all the places that I'd studied from the tenth standard to my PhD, Manipur, Shillong and Delhi respectively. All my years of toils seemed to go down the drain. The certificates that I'd painstakingly achieved over the years could never be replaced. All my handwork and past blessings was reduced to zero.Slowly, the truth got a grip of me. I started crying, and then did what I do best when I am stressed, update my facebook status and then sleep. When I woke up I started my search again. My siblings--Ronald, Boisi and cousin Lambu joined the search. Finally, my heart which has been hardened by lack of time with God and meditation started melting. I then turned to God and prayed a worried prayer, telling Him not to let my fears be prove true. I said to God, "I know you are trying to tell me to re-adjust my priorities because I have been keeping my work before you, and also that everything is futile without you" (Proverb 16:1--the plans of the mind belongs to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord).
I then did another search inside my room, carefully cleaning everything in the process so that I would not missed out on anything. I cleaned my cupboard again for the 8th time. This time I took apart the drawers. Lo and behold! there was my file crushed at the end in the space gap that I had never realize to have existed before. In fact,along with it were all the papers, money changes and paper bits that I had lost over the years. I thanked God and everyone who was in it with me.
I made it a point to write down my experience tonight before it becomes a forgotten joke or be reduced to an example of carelessness; to remind myself and others like me. It is important to be serious about your works and commitments, but not to the point of losing yourself in it, forgetting important things in life that also constitute the purpose of our existence. Nothing in life is worth it. I would not really agree with the writer of ecclesiastes that everything in life is 'meaningless.'
A friend of mine had asked me the philosophical yet realistic question, 'How can you best understand the purpose of a your existence?.' I'd never really personalize this question and got the chance to do it for the first time. I said this concept changes as you grow older. To a child, becoming adults is an attractive goal; because grown-ups seems to control the world. Life seems so much better for them, they can do what they like and not be scolded for it. They then grow up to the realization that life was not all good for the adult. The grass always appears to be greener on the other side and this theory continues to apply all the days of our lives.
The best place to learn the true purpose of life would be in the company of a dying person; what is can be still important for him at that point, what still matter to him and what he can still boast about achieving. Perhaps, it all boils down to appreciate life as it is and as it comes everyday, and best of all what is it that we can carry with us to eternity...
